Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Soul

Its been just over 3 weeks.. But feels more like 2 months..

I miss her. The closest friend I ever had. The person I could talk freely and openly and be on the same page most of the time concerning any matter around us.

This is a timeline for my own reference. As I fear as time passes by, it will erode me of my memories and true feelings at that time, and leave me of a false impression of what really happened. It is not meant to be read. But if it is, keep it inside you. Because a lot pain and sadness made up this timeline.

I am an emotional person. When we first decided to call it off, I took it hard. We decided to call it quits as she feared we were too physical. We also had miscommunication problems we found hard to deal with. I didnt like the idea of staying away from her, considering we stay metres apart. I was always caught in mood swings, angry outburst, just sticking myself to the computer to kill time, and a having low tolerance threshold.

Things werent always like this. I still remember when we were in first year. Looking back, would it have been better if we had sticked to just best friends. Chit-chatting while walking back at late night to the dorm, sharing life experiences, interests and ambitions, taking part in community organisations and working our asses off till we sleep on each other in class.


Then there was the Langkawi trip. She pushed me to go for it, as it could help me clear my mind. Truly enough it did. I decided to start fresh and continue my life. From that moment on, my point of view on our relationship was, we have called a break from each other to repair ourselves and if there's a chance in the future, we'll patch things up again. In that same time we were also free to meet other people. Truth betold, I still always thought I'll end up with her. We shared quite a chemistry with each other. I cant put it in exact words, but I think being best friends for a while before actually entering the relationship made us unique, we knew practically every movement or thought the other person would make before it actually happens.

The time after the Langkawi trip was quite complicated. She always tried linking me with other girls. I did not know what to make of it, when ur ex asks you to date other potential girls. She did that for quite a while. I slowly felt as though she has moved on a bit as well. I guess it was okay at that time, both of us were happier, quarreled less, and more smiles all around. I guess it was better that we were back to being best friends.

A while on, I meet another girl, a junior of 2 years. She was quite friendly, and since I was quite the loner, my former asked this girl to communicate with me more. This new girl was a real kid; always jumping around aimlessly, smilling, and just had a happy aura around her. She lifted my mood more often than not with her smile. I slowly grew closer to her, not in any special way, but as a close friend. My former noticed this and started teasing me sarcastically, the look on her face when we walks by and stares into my eyes would kill the soul inside of me.

Then we had our heated debates and arguments. She confessed to me that all this while during the breakup, she was mending herself and waiting for the correct time to get back to me. I was caught dead cold. All this while she has been pushing me away from her and giving no indications whatsoever that we will be back together. And when I finally get close to another girl, she gives me this news. How was I suppose to take it? I was caught in the middle.

We finally agreed that I'll just be close friends with the new girl and give my former and myself another chance at our relationship. It was hard, as my heart was already torn. I had removed my former from my heart after Langkawi, and now suddenly she wants to be back in there again like it used to. She wasn't a bad girl. She was perfect, she had all the qualities, I couldn't had asked for anything more. But its always the battle of the head and the heart. And the heart always wins against all rationality. I could not give her back my heart, as much as I tried. And I promise you I tried. My heart was attracted although mildly only, to the new girl. Attempts to rekindle my relationship and maintain my friendship with the new girl at the same time did not bode well. It was like split personalities. I couldn't handle both the relationships at once. So the choice was being left in my hands, more like an ultimatum offered actually. Give the relationship a chance and stop pursuing the new girl, or do the opposite.

Those were the hardest days of my life. On one hand you had your best friend and former who wants to patch back with you, and on another a girl you could possibly like a lot.

Everyone who were friends with us would have their own say, all with their own views on what was the right thing to do. God would have his own say. Question is, what would you have done if you had the feelings inside of me running in your veins at that time?

If what I did was a mistake, so be it. I shall live with it the rest of my life. But man has never acted on head alone. The heart is man's strongest organ, and it is the one pushing man's decisions. Not the head.

I was selfish. I listened to my heart.

Everyone can judge me : I abandoned my former, I didn't care for her feelings, I didn't give her another chance, etc. Tear your heart in half, give each to my former and the new girl, then make your choice, what would you have done? then judge me.

Every week I long to hear how shes doing. I lived my life with her for the best part of 3 years. We were inseparable. I never had a best friend to call my own until I meet her. She was the only one. And probably be the only one ever.

I am writing this because I know I have lost something really important to me. I thought my 3 year friendship with my best friend could outlast everything, even a breakup. But I thought wrong. In my world where the number of close friends I have number less than total fingers I have on 1 hand, I have lost my soul... in my best friend.


I ask god not for forgiveness..

But for my soul.. As I have lost it..

And having a hard time finding it back again..

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

That's exactly what God wants to give you... You haven't lost your soul. No one can. You can only corrupt it and damage it to the point of little use. God loves you bro... And the mistakes we make are all part of God's leading us to finally mention his name. When we lack suffering, we don't care about God at all... Reach out to God... Call his name... He'll touch you gently. You may only feel a tingle in your soul because your spirit is still dormant. But over time you'll regain your purified soul... As you always have been, you still will be... In my prayer...

P.S. "O... Lord... Jesus"...

SS said...

Hope u find ur soul back soon :)

nerak said...

OMG Ruben I cant believe you wrote that.

-_________________________-"

CAn I be frank here.. call me to hear he frank remarks

BB said...

sigh..